There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.