There’s only one good girl here!
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.