Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops