There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You Might Also Like
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?
Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops