There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You Might Also Like
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.