There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Whoa 😂
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Have kids, they said
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.