There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.