There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!