There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.