there’s probably a fee though

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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.


Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.


Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma


HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.


This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper


Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe


*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*


My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”