there’s probably a fee though
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
cause of death:
autopsy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook