Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….