There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire