@Aspersioncast

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

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@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

@TheTweetOfGod

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@clichedout

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@djdarrellripley

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….