There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me when my alarm goes off
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
giddy up Office Depot
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Strangers have the best candy.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*