There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
dutch is not a serious language
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.