@TheBoydP

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

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@RobDenBleyker

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

@kimwilliamz

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

@WilliamAder

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.