“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.