@OlanDevine
@impaulmccoy Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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@impaulmccoy 
@That_Girl_Amy I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
@EndhooS Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
@ristolable First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
@aimeevc1970 I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
@Kyle_Lippert A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
@CulturedRuffian Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
@JElvisWeinstein My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
@DoreyZoe My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
@goldengateblond Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.