@OlanDevine

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

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@impaulmccoy

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@ristolable

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

@Kyle_Lippert

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

@DoreyZoe

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there