“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’
I was that kid’s first beard
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.