@_wangwe

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

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@dshack8

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

@deardilettante

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@BrownBear_91

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.