@HenpeckedHal Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
@envydatropic There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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@HenpeckedHal 
@weinerdog4life *interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
@dafloydsta DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
@tastefactory Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
@robdelaney If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
@NatasshaStash A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
@Maxine12333 The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
@SoulYodeler Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
@OhNoSheTwitnt On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
@Mardigroan Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.