There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”


DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.


Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit


If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.


A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo


The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.


Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.