There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Thursday
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.