There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.