There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The first one, obviously
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”