There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I used to be married, but I’m better now
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
#Caturday
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more