there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.