There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.