Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand