#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
You Might Also Like
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Good Morning.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.