thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
this is how life feels
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
#FunnyLife Insects
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I think we should hear other voices.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.