These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
