These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
You Might Also Like
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
twitter users today:
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!