These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Banking tips
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.