These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]