These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
shit just got real
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh