These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
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Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.