These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
You Might Also Like
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The days of good grammer has went
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?