These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.