These dogs look like they have good credit.
You Might Also Like
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Why you watching this shit?”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!