These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me, reading some of your tweets
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.