These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Wednesday
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”