these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.