These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Livid.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*