“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Breaking news:
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.