These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.