These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?