these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
They did not think through this water fountain
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
choose your gary