These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Great, now I have to pee.”