These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Breaking news:
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽