These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Banking tips
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems