These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
You Might Also Like
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
it be like that
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food