these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
so much to do
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”