These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You Might Also Like
(2022)
School be like
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m tired tomorrow.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
sir, my pâté if you please
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.