These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Please do it!
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*