These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal