These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.