They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
dutch is not a serious language
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
live long and prosper!
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.