They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
October already? What’s next? November????
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.