@emmatheist Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
@stewnami They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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@emmatheist 
@Cheeseboy22 I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
@Amusitr0n Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
@mdob11 I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
@Manda_like_wine When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
@autumnsays_ I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
@theshantilly I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
@brianbowman73 I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
@donna_gallers Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
@Muaythaigirlie Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.