They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.


I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?


Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”


I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*


I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”


I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*



Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.


Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.