@stewnami

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

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@emmatheist

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

@Cheeseboy22

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@theshantilly

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

@donna_gallers

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.